One Year Anniversary

1947-2008

A year ago this week (Feb 12) my husband passed away. In his honor I did this obamicon for him. Yes we did refers to the fact that he never lived to see us elect a Black President. It's what I think about a lot when I think about how the last year went. So far this year has been manageable, bear-able, and a pretty steep learning curve for me and his family. It's been a huge change but one i hope we have managed well in his absence. On Thursday I plan to have a small family gathering, and enjoy a meal together in his honor. I would also like to reprint this poem I wrote about him, about 2 days before he passed away. Basically, i wrote this because a few days before he passed, it seemed that the Matthew I knew was gone. He was not mentally there anymore, and was in his own world. He was calling me by his sister's name Jackie, and kept calling for his mom. He couldn't stand up but didn't want to lay down. He was drifting in and out of consciousness most of the time. I knew that at some point in the last week of his life, he changed, and I wondered if I was somehow absent when this happened. Reading this, even a year later, still brings up the same pain and emotions in me. This poem reflects the questions I was asking myself before he passed away. And ones that I may never ever have the answers to...

The Last Lucid Moment

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I got up to take a shower to get ready for my day

Was it when I turned the coffee pot on

Was it when I looked in my closet to pick out my clothes

And decided to wear the same pants and the same shoes anyway?

Was it when I put on my 5 minute make up

Glanced at him and he opened his eyes to look at me

Was it when I picked up my purse and checked my wallet for cash

Was it when I said I love you, and not hearing an answer

Kept walking away quietly

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I was driving to work listening to NPR?

Was it when I parked my car and waited for the elevator?

Was it when I stopped to pick up candy from the candy bowl?

Was it when I turned on my computer

And started one meeting after another after another

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I was talking with the OT about a ramp?

Was it when I picked up his medication?

Was it when I checked on the last blood test

Or was it when I was trying to figure out

Who to tell about the bad news and how?

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I wrote that email about the training

And the request to take more time off?

Just when did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I got home from work

And he laid in bed, tranquil and asleep

Was it when I fixed him soup and he barely ate half of it?

Was it when I did the laundry, the one with his grey sweats in the mix?

Was it when I mopped the kitchen floor

And wiped the counter clean?

Just when did I miss the last lucid moment?

At that last lucid moment

Did he hear me say "I love you"

Did he see me smile at him and nod?

Did he feel me when i hugged him real tight?

Did he smell me when I held his face against my chest?

Did he know just how much he meant to me

And how much I appreciated his love?

Did he know how much clarity he gave to my life?

Did he know that he made me a better person from the moment that we met?

Did he know that he had my love

No matter how many mistakes we both made?

I just want to know that I didn’t miss it;

That I was there when it happened,

And his last clear memory of life

Was utter certainty in his heart that he is loved

Unconditionally.

2/10/08

I miss you so much my heart hurts.