memorial day

today is the day most americans visit the cemetery and remember family and friends who have passed on. i've been going to the cemetery regularly this month to visit matthew...i don't know if i wrote about that previously or not...sometimes at my lunch break, sometimes on my way home, sometimes on the weekends. anyhow, i just wanted to share this photo, hope you don't find it too grim. it's a picture of the marker his sister and I picked out and installed on his grave.

it's black with gold specks on the marble. it has the AA symbol on the top right and left along with a flying eagle in the middle. they put the flower vase at the bottom of the marker (I would have preferred the top) but it works...i am glad I had that installed. i got the flowers from costco last thursday. i thought it was pretty and cheerful. it was quite hot last saturday when i went. i pulled out my folding chair and sat for a little while. it was nice and peaceful and quiet - lots of folks had already come by and placed flowers on the graves by the time i got there at around 330 pm. i was a little late since i had my nephews working on the yard and couldn't get away earlier...

not a day goes by that i dont miss my hubby. there are many moments within a day when i sit in disbelief and denial that he is really gone. i still have groceries i bought in the cupboard that i bought for him, cans of soup still unopened and food in the freezer from my cowrokers who visited him a week before he passed. he would be so proud of how i've taken care of the yard and how good the grass looks today. he would even be so proud of how well jamila is doing this week, considering how rough last week was.

going to the memorial park isn't grim or depressing to me, in fact i find it very comforting. now i understand why my aunt planted flowers around her husband's grave and cared for them for months. it wasn't really the plants or the flowers, but the time she ended up spending at the park close to her husband's resting place. how she had to get down on her knees to clear the leaves and clean the marble. how she had to touch the grass and the ground around him, the only thing physical that was both a barrier and a shared space between the two of them. it was an exercise in grieving and i too find that thought comforting, instead of morbid. why would anybody want to spend time in a cemetery? now i understand why and i can relate. and i find myself wanting to do the same thing...

somewhow it seems weird to put this picture on the internet. the image is so powerful for me, i feel like i'm actually there at the park. it symbolizes really, why i am on my plan b and what my life is now. it's strange but real...