the hard stuff

a friend told me that in dealing with my grief there are some things others can help me with, and then there are those things that I will have to go through on my own. now that everyone has gone home and the flowers are gone and it's just me and my grief at home, it's really hitting me hard. the reality of what Matthew's loss really means in my life is just really making an impact on me. i first felt it Saturday night as I was people watching at the casino where my sisters took me. Everyone had their partners or spouses, and i was by myself. i never felt so lonely in my life, even though i was surrounded by hundreds of people. it just hit me pretty hard and i felt like crying at the restaurant. and a part of me was crying out, I had someone too and now he's gone.

i miss him so much. i spent all of yesterday at home, in my room, grieving. i never planned to be a widow so young and i never thought i would be rethinking my life at this point. yes i knew matthew was ill and we didn't have long, but i was not really thinking about what happens after. i was so busy trying to care for him, to make him comfortable and keeping the family going...but what about what happens after?

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