three things

Thanks to all of you who have sent me birthday greetings. I've been busy at work and at home with the holidays, the snow, and it's just been a little crazy. Let me explain.

I've been paying attention to a number of things that have been happening around me that is sort of surreal and perhaps supernatural. First, two weeks ago, i had an out of body experience. I was laying in bed, asleep, when all of a sudden, i felt my body/soul/spirit lift up from my bed and sensed myself floating in the air about to traverse outside of my house. When i saw myself approaching the wall of my bedroom, i put my hands up and pushed away and I went back into my body. i didn't wake all the way up, i just took it as it was, wasn't scared or afraid. I just didn't want to exit my house, or my body, i guess.

Then the next week, my mom had this dream that matthew was cleaning out his closet, taking his clothes out of his drawers and he was asking my mom to clean out his closet. She said she didn't know what the dream meant, but I think I do. I think it is related to the fact that most of his clothes and shoes are still in my bedroom and his clothes hanging in the other closet. I think he was telling me that i needed to let go of some of his stuff, whatever that is.

Then a few days later, and this would be this last week, I had another dream/sleep thing. I was laying in bed, sort of asleep, sort of awake, when I felt someone come around the bed and start to lay down on the bed beside me. Do you know this feeling when someone you know is about to lay down beside you, you feel the bed move, you feel their weight, you might even smell them? Well I sensed all this and I really thought someone was there. Was I scared? No, it felt so natural. I remember thinking - who is this? Is this Jamila? Matthew? someone else? This thing laid down beside me and sort of put its arm over me like it was going to cuddle me. I opened my eyes to see who it was and of course, there was no one there. It didn't freak me out, and I knew right away it was a good spirit, it was Matthew. I went right back to sleep and woke up the next day just the same.

I connected the three events later that morning and talked with Vicki from work. Vicki is Tlingkit Alaska Native. I remembered her saying that in her tradition, they burn a deceased person's clothes so they can take this with them on their next journey. I described these three events and asked Vicki if she could do this offering for me, on my behalf, for Matthew's journey.

She said yes so one of these days when the weather improves and we can get an ok from Daybreak Star, me and her are going to burn a set of Matthew's clothes as an offering to him, to help him on his journey. I don't know yet which ones, but maybe a set of his favorite outfit. At the same time we will be offering prayers and I can offer prayers of my own.

I do feel that these three events, though separate, but closely occuring, are a sign from Matthew - perhaps it is giving me permission to move on, perhaps it is a sign that says he is here for me, or a sign to let me know he is watching over me. I don't know for sure, but I want to help him on his journey. I am hoping that this symbolic burning of his clothes will be a good way to bring this part of my life some comfort and closure.

As I relate these events to others, I heard from other women who have lost husbands and lovers and have experienced the same thing - the very real presence of someone familiar, returning for a hug or an embrace or a touch, and in one case, a gentle push. It isn't scary to me, and in a weird way, somewhat comforting. I have been doing ok with my grieving and have been ready to move on for some time. In fact, I feel that I am in the process of moving on.

Perhaps the offering I am preparing for him with Vicki will help. I feel it will at least help me. It's extremely gratifying to me that I have someone who can help me cope with this in a spiritual way. I feel fortunate to have this opportunity. I feel that my faith in a higher power is certainly helping me with my grief and my loneliness.

Yesterday on my birthday, I went to his grave and placed three roses that someone gave me for my birthday. I was extremely sad but found I could not cry, not in the usual way that I have been given to tears each time I went to the cemetery. I don't know exactly what this "not being able to cry" routine means. Am I just fighting it, or am I really past the sorrowful weeping part? I don't know. I feel the sadness but not enough to cry in tears. I just cry from my heart. It's very interesting these last few weeks. I wonderwhat will be next for me....

Comments