The Zen of Joan Didion
A friend, Shellwyn, sent me this link. http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3021&Itemid=0
She said it reminded her of me. A few things resonated in his writing, and the following really hit close to home:
The events of the past few years have, inevitably, affected Didion’s view of her own death. “It’s made it much more present as a concept. I mean, everything that’s happened in the past few years was terrible, but was also, in some odd way, quite liberating. You know that song, ‘Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose’—it’s liberating in that sense. You’ve seen the worst and you’ve lived through it. So it’s not going to get worse. It’s liberating to people who have a lot of anxiety and are apprehensive, which I have always been.
“I’m not so apprehensive any more, and not so anxious.”
Sometimes at home she reaches for Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, the book she first turned to for comfort almost forty years ago. Only now she is reading it not just to feel good. She is pondering its wisdom, especially what it says about letting go. After decades of missing its meaning, she is opening up to it. “I think now I get the lesson,” she says. Catching herself and chuckling, she adds, “I don't get all of it.”
Getting the lesson, Didion says, is a work in progress. And applying it to life is tricky, too. “I have yet to successfully apply it. I seem to be in a morass of things undone. I don't seem to be able to let go enough to either decide not to do things, or to do them and move on. Part of it is that I'm still grieving, and part of it is that during the past couple of years I got quite seriously behind. If you don't do something every day you tend to become afraid to do it, and to some extent I don't feel quite as capable as I did.
“But that's not a lack of control; it's just a lack of practice. Now I'm putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control. Getting back in charge just means cleaning out my life, simplifying. It doesn't necessarily mean trying to control it.”
Letting go, she says, is necessary throughout life. “You have to. You have to because everything changes. It’s the hardest thing to learn. It’s the hardest thing to do.”
If you have a chance to read the link, and I hope you do, some of it was and is true for me. "Putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control." Losing Matthew made me realize I was not in control, and am not now. Someone else is. Matthew was a protective element in my life and now I have to create my own protective element. What has made this last year easier for me was the fact that I know I gave my marriage my all, and put my heart, body and soul into loving and caring for someone else outside of myself. I have no regrets. Like I said in my previous entry, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am facing it head on.
My mom had a dream last night, and in it she said Matthew wanted to clean out his closet. The first thing I thought was, I think he wants his clothes. Silly right? Of course he doesn't "want" his clothes. It held no significance for her but it holds tremendous significance for me. It's giving me permission to move on. On the road to liberation. He needs his clothes to travel. He needs me to let him go....
She said it reminded her of me. A few things resonated in his writing, and the following really hit close to home:
The events of the past few years have, inevitably, affected Didion’s view of her own death. “It’s made it much more present as a concept. I mean, everything that’s happened in the past few years was terrible, but was also, in some odd way, quite liberating. You know that song, ‘Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose’—it’s liberating in that sense. You’ve seen the worst and you’ve lived through it. So it’s not going to get worse. It’s liberating to people who have a lot of anxiety and are apprehensive, which I have always been.
“I’m not so apprehensive any more, and not so anxious.”
Sometimes at home she reaches for Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, the book she first turned to for comfort almost forty years ago. Only now she is reading it not just to feel good. She is pondering its wisdom, especially what it says about letting go. After decades of missing its meaning, she is opening up to it. “I think now I get the lesson,” she says. Catching herself and chuckling, she adds, “I don't get all of it.”
Getting the lesson, Didion says, is a work in progress. And applying it to life is tricky, too. “I have yet to successfully apply it. I seem to be in a morass of things undone. I don't seem to be able to let go enough to either decide not to do things, or to do them and move on. Part of it is that I'm still grieving, and part of it is that during the past couple of years I got quite seriously behind. If you don't do something every day you tend to become afraid to do it, and to some extent I don't feel quite as capable as I did.
“But that's not a lack of control; it's just a lack of practice. Now I'm putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control. Getting back in charge just means cleaning out my life, simplifying. It doesn't necessarily mean trying to control it.”
Letting go, she says, is necessary throughout life. “You have to. You have to because everything changes. It’s the hardest thing to learn. It’s the hardest thing to do.”
If you have a chance to read the link, and I hope you do, some of it was and is true for me. "Putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control." Losing Matthew made me realize I was not in control, and am not now. Someone else is. Matthew was a protective element in my life and now I have to create my own protective element. What has made this last year easier for me was the fact that I know I gave my marriage my all, and put my heart, body and soul into loving and caring for someone else outside of myself. I have no regrets. Like I said in my previous entry, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am facing it head on.
My mom had a dream last night, and in it she said Matthew wanted to clean out his closet. The first thing I thought was, I think he wants his clothes. Silly right? Of course he doesn't "want" his clothes. It held no significance for her but it holds tremendous significance for me. It's giving me permission to move on. On the road to liberation. He needs his clothes to travel. He needs me to let him go....
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